Divorce, whether highly contentious or congenial, always has some effect on the children involved. Unresolved conflict, unknown schedules, new living situations and custody battles are just a few of the circumstances that children face during a divorce. Mothers who may be asking themselves, “what are the best actions I can take to ensure my children survive my divorce,” should consider the following tips:
1. Don’t put your children in the middle of your conflicts.
Children often feel as if they need to take sides in a divorce and can sometimes be put in the middle of parental conflicts. It’s important to ensure your children continue to have normal relationships with both parents, to the extent safety allows. Bad-mouthing their other parent, venting about the other parent or discussing parental conflicts in front of your children can cause confusion and upheaval in their relationships with both you and their other parent. Don’t make them choose between parents. If you have a problem with your ex-spouse or you are dealing with unresolved conflict, talk to your ex about the issues or talk to a counselor or therapist. It is not your kids’ job to carry the burden of your conflict.
2. Provide counseling and/or support for yourself and your children.
Even the most well-adjusted person can be blind to unhealthy habits in their lives. When your life shifts dramatically and your emotional and mental well-being are experiencing disruption, a counselor can help you figure out appropriate boundaries and support your mental health as you navigate the complexities of co-parenting or dealing with unspoken emotional needs or conflicts. It’s always okay to ask for help. It’s also important that your kids have a space where they can address their emotional needs without fear of offending one or the other parent. Counseling can make the transition of divorce much easier and healthier for your children.
3. Come to some sort of co-parenting agreement.
If possible with your ex-spouse, discuss difficult co-parenting situations that may arise before, during and after your divorce. Make a plan for how you will deal with those difficulties. Discuss how you will each deal with parental conflict, provision of emotional and mental support for your children, how you will talk about one another in front of your children, how you will communicate with each other without using your children as messengers, etc. Set goals for your children and how your co-parenting plan will achieve those goals. Even if you don’t get along with your ex-spouse, it is important to understand that co-parenting involves two people. It’s much easier if those two people can agree how to handle issues.
4. Let your children be children.
As a wife and mother, you may have been reliant upon your ex-spouse for certain things like helping around the house, taking care of the garden, getting kids ready for school, taking care of the pets, providing financially or providing emotional support. Now that the spouse no longer holds those positions in your life, you cannot force them upon your children. Can kids help you around the house? Yes. Can kids get themselves ready for school or help their younger siblings get ready? Yes. Can kids feed the dog and make sure the litter box is emptied? Of course, just make sure you are not forcing them to assume the role of the absent parent. Let them be children while they are children, and do not force them to take parental responsibilities.
5. Communicate.
Kids do not need to know every harrowing detail of your divorce. If you need to discuss that, talk to a counselor (see above). However, communication with your children is still incredibly important. Divorce is a major shift in your children’s lives. The best way to make sure they feel secure, loved, protected and cared for is to communicate with them. Tell them about the things that will affect their lives personally. Is the other parent moving? Will they live with one parent or both? Who is picking them up from school? Where will they spend holidays? Remove as many “unknowns” out of their lives as possible. Kids will be blindly fumbling along in the process of divorce. The clearer you can make their future, the better. Again, this is not the time to tell them everything that is happening in your divorce. The goal is simply to provide some stability for your children and let them know how their lives are going to look. It can alleviate some of the fear and anxiety children experience during divorce. Be sure to communicate with your children.
If you’ve applied the above tips and want to evaluate the best resolution for your family with help from an experienced attorney, contact Doerner’s Family Law team to assist you at our offices located in Tulsa and Oklahoma City.
Doerner, Saunders, Daniel & Anderson, LLP provides this content for informational purposes only. It is not intended to provide legal or other professional advice nor does the transmission of this information create an attorney-client relationship between any attorney of the Firm and the reader. If you seek legal advice or assistance, please consult with a competent attorney familiar with the applicable laws. If you wish to initiate possible representation by an attorney with this Firm, please call the attorney of your choice. You will be advised of our processes to avoid conflicts of interest and requirements of our letter of engagement before the commencement of representation.
