Divorce. This was not a word on your mind the day you said, “I do.” But here you are. Your “I do” has turned into “I don’t.” Whether you saw this coming or are reeling from a heated argument, you are about to make a series of decisions. It’s likely that none of them seem to have any good options. Yet, virtually every decision could have a significant financial, legal and relational impact for you, your soon-to-be ex-spouse and any children involved regardless of age. Many will have ripple effects for extended family, community and social circles as well.
What is the best way to navigate this potential minefield with the least amount of collateral damage? How do you protect yourself? And where do you go from here?
Here is a 5-point roadmap to guide you through the rocky road ahead:
1. Know What You Want, What You Really, Really Want – This statement sounds simple, yet most people wander through their divorce determined to get what’s fair without thoughtful evaluation of what they want, what they don’t want, and what they need. Create a sticky note labeled “Clarity” and put it on your bathroom mirror!
Try this exercise to gain clarity on what you really, really want. Draw three buckets at the top of a page and label them “need,” “want” and “let it go” respectively. Then, begin listing items below each bucket. Be brutally honest with yourself about what you really need and want. This will also be a handy visual to help you stay on course while negotiating with your soon-to-be ex-spouse.
It’s also important to consider what your spouse really wants and why. The more you and your attorney understand what motivates your spouse, the better positioned you will be to decide what to ask for, what to fight for, and what you can live without.
2. Understand It’s Business Now – When you married your spouse, you entered into a legal contract. Sure, there were feelings and flowers and rings involved; moreover, you signed a binding contract that day. Now you are entering into a lawsuit to terminate that contract.
You probably never thought of it that way, but the fact is divorce is a legal proceeding. It’s more than a court case; it’s a lawsuit against a person you once loved and maybe still do. It’s important to navigate the business aspects of the case when your emotions are in check. While it’s also critical to acknowledge and process your emotions with the appropriate people, you must remember that this is the legal dividing of your marital assets and responsibilities, governed (for the most part) by state law. Get your head in the game… it’s business.
3. Know Your Numbers – The first step is to order your free credit report through AnnualCreditReport.com or a company website like www.CreditKarma.com. Start understanding where you are financially today by gathering your tax returns and financial statements on all assets you own and debt you owe.
Organizing as much of the financial records that you have access to before you spend time with your family law attorney will save you billable hours. On this point, take time to work on a detailed and accurate budget. Begin by tracking your expenses and make sure you have a bank account and credit card in your own name. At some point, the budget or Financial Affidavit will be required by the court. We will help you complete this, so it’s important to get the most accurate information possible. For a Judge, this is the easiest way to determine your creditability. If you don’t have access, don’t worry – let us know what you are missing and we can get it.
4. Create Your Empowerment Team – While your friends and family care about you, even the most well-intentioned family advice may cause confusion and unnecessary stress. You will be making the most difficult and important financial decisions of your life during an emotionally chaotic time, so you need a professional team to help you deal from a position of strength, not weakness.
You will need an attorney whose focus is family law. You will also need to decide which process you will use to get divorced. There are three primary processes: mediation, collaborative or traditional litigation. Each has its benefits and drawbacks and selecting the right fit for your family’s unique interests could result in an enormous savings in the amount of time, cost and conflict involved. Now is also the time to find experts to help guide you through the financial, tax and emotional aspects of divorce as well. No matter how strong your team is, you are the CEO and it’s critical you manage the process as well as each team member.
How much “life” are you willing to spend on your divorce? Clarity (yep, that word again) is imperative in deciding when it is time to fight, time to negotiate, and time to settle.
5. Remember You Are Writing Your Next Chapter – While it’s ideal to remain amicable during the divorce process, it’s critical not to sign a bad deal under any circumstance. Once you have come to some agreement, we will draft a Marital Settlement Agreement (“MSA”) or Decree. The MSA or Decree is a lengthy document detailing all the parameters of your divorce, and it’s important to get a second and even third set of eyes to look it over before you sign.
Keep in mind that the document is only as good as it’s legally enforceable. There are many logistics in terms of re-titling assets and removing names from debt that you will need to identify and resolve. The practical implementation of this document is imperative.
As difficult as it may be, keep looking forward rather than in the rearview mirror. Remind yourself that the decisions you make today are the foundation of your future. Make sure to nurture yourself and protect hope. Be open to all possibilities. Focus on the business aspects while addressing the emotional and psychological challenges. The end of your marriage may or may not be amicable, but you can choose to manage your emotions and prioritize so that the divorce and co-parenting might be. Each step you proactively take, as well as the missteps you avoid, will get you closer to the future you want to create.
What will the opening line of your next chapter be?
Doerner, Saunders, Daniel & Anderson, LLP provides this content for informational purposes only. It is not intended to provide legal or other professional advice nor does the transmission of this information create an attorney-client relationship between any attorney of the Firm and the reader. If you seek legal advice or assistance, please consult with a competent attorney familiar with the applicable laws. If you wish to initiate possible representation by an attorney with this Firm, please call the attorney of your choice. You will be advised of our processes to avoid conflicts of interest and requirements of our letter of engagement prior to the commencement of representation.
