In domestic cases involving custody, your family law attorney should acknowledge any stressful parenting situations with you as a client (and your spouse) to better manage expectations and minimize potential threats that could jeopardize your case. While stepparents don’t always set out to ruin their spouse’s case and cause issues, they often do not understand their role. This can be just as dangerous. Here are four simple tips to consider for reducing your co-parenting stress.
Tip #1: Understand Roles
The role of a stepparent is a gray area that’s not easy to navigate. They willingly step into their role. They love their partner’s children. They feed them, care for them, help with homework, transport to extracurricular activities, dry tears and calm fears, and do so much more. However, stepparents are left without control over decisions for the children. Often, stepparents are left to manage the consequences of actions and decisions that they didn’t make. To resolve this, it’s best to eliminate the number of decisions your new spouse must make about your children.
Tip #2: Set Appropriate Boundaries
The most popular complaint about stepparenting pertains to overstepping boundaries. Common examples are, referring to themselves as “mom” or “dad” (both to the child and to other people), attending appointments, and attaching their information to the child (e.g., using the stepparent’s email for a child’s soccer team information). In reality, the majority of stepparents that do these things have done it with their spouse’s blessing. However, it’s not getting their spouse’s blessing that is the true issue. It’s the other parent’s blessing that’s equally important. Clients need to understand this dynamic from the beginning and to set boundaries when appropriate with your new spouse.
Tip #3: Limit Involvement in Major Decisions
One of the simplest boundaries you can set is limiting involvement in important discussions regarding the children. The actual discussion should not involve the stepparent. For example, many people start a group chat with their current spouse and the child’s parent to discuss important issues. This gives the current spouse “permission” to weigh in on these decisions when it is not usually invited. Often times, the first question the other parent is going to think, if not say, is “Where does this person get off thinking they have a say in this?” You absolutely can and should take your new spouse’s opinion into account in a separate and prior conversation. Once a decision has been made, the parents (and only the parents) should discuss their opinions. The stepparent’s opinions have then been made to their partners but ultimately aren’t involved in the decision. Creating this simple boundary early on can save years of stress for everyone.
Tip #4: Ask for Permission
Another simple way to create a healthy relationship between a stepparent and the former spouse is to make sure the stepparent knows to ask permission of the other parent. There is a parent hierarchy and stepparents are not at the top. Regularly asking for permission sets a tone of respect. Asking to attend a parent-teacher conference, or helping to facilitate information for a school activity shows the stepparent wants to play an active role in a child’s life.
Attorneys must help clients and their new spouses understand the impact of their roles. Conveying we understand the frustration and suggesting alternatives on how to communicate can prevent unnecessary litigation and protect feelings. However, with proper education and setting realistic boundaries, attorneys can help create more functional families. To request assistance for your family law-related case, contact any member of our family law team to assist you at 918-582-1211 in Tulsa or 405-319-3500 in our Oklahoma City office.
Doerner, Saunders, Daniel & Anderson, LLP provides this content for informational purposes only. It is not intended to provide legal or other professional advice nor does the transmission of this information create an attorney-client relationship between any attorney of the Firm and the reader. If you seek legal advice or assistance, please consult with a competent attorney familiar with the applicable laws. If you wish to initiate possible representation by an attorney with this Firm, please call the attorney of your choice. You will be advised of our processes to avoid conflicts of interest and requirements of our letter of engagement prior to the commencement of representation.
